Forging Connection
On our computers, phones, and devices, more than ever we have the tendency to surround ourselves with people who share our predominate values. Social media makes it easy for us to live in a “filter bubble" and confirmation bias shows that we are more likely to seek out views that align with our pre-existing beliefs.
As a therapist, I see value in learning about the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others, regardless of whether they match my world views. It’s imperative to the therapeutic work. It helps me understand what has brought someone to their current place, and helps me cultivate an empathic response. I think there is great value in working toward connecting with others. I say this with a caveat. This is not about accepting intolerance, discrimination, racism, and/or bigotry. Sometimes intolerance is such that side-stepping differences and forging connection is unrealistic.
That said, there is deep value in trying to understand others. Below are some strategies that prove helpful in understanding the experience of others, whether it takes place at the kitchen table with in-laws, or while using social media. Considering recent changes in our day to day lives, such as sheltering in place due to COVID-19, our digital lives now take up more daily time and space. Forging connection with others can happen online and offline and below is a list of considerations that may be helpful in forging connections, even in our current situation.
Find Common Ground. It can be difficult if you feel tasked to change someone’s opinion. A good place to start is to find shared experiences and to name and understand those intersections.
How do you manage your reaction? If you have an anxiety provoking response to what someone says or posts, ask yourself how you felt like responding. It may be worth it to pause, switch activities, and return later.
Try to better understand someone. Ask questions. Express curiosity. Learn where someone’s thoughts originated. How were their opinions informed by particular life experiences?
Experiment: Listen and watch something outside of your comfort zone. Practice perspective taking. Is there a news outlet that is hard to listen to or read? Try reading an opinion article that holds beliefs different from your own. What comes up for you? Can you sit with the discomfort?
Cultivate compassion for yourself and others. Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Pain and suffering manifests in a myriad of ways. Suffering can be an internalized and/or externalized experience. We may feel hurt and keep it inside. We may feel hurt and lash out, put down others, or express anger. That said, by way of cultivating compassion we learn to acknowledge pain manifests in many ways and accept that suffering is part of the human experience.
